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Almost alive, Almost dead

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[01 Mar 2006|10:50am]

[ mood | depressed ]

hi, im amanda. im 17. been cutting for like 4 years, but lately its been gittin pretty bad. i think that i need help if im ever going to stop cutting, cuase this is getting kinda outta control. im cutting myself 6 or 7 different times a day. each timew i cut, i make like 7 gashes, my arm is basically a bloody mess

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[22 Feb 2006|03:45am]

Hi I'm Amber. I just joined. I'm seventeen. I've been cutting for about four years now. I wasn't a frequent cutter until about a year and half ago. I recently decided to quit and I've been struggling with my decision.

The other day I asked my fiance for my box cutter back (he took it away one time when I tried to cut in front of him... stupid mistake). He yelled at me. He broke up with me (we later got back together, but yeah). He told me he didn't know where it was. Its funny. I promised him a long time ago I'd stop. But I never did it for him. Lately I've been doing it for myself. But I'm not happy. I was much happier when I could cut. I felt more in control. My anxiety has sky-rocketed. I just took myself off lithium. I need to cut.

I remember when I was sent to a wilderness program recently. If I had cut there I would have probably never left... so I didn't... not that they ever stopped watching me so I could. But its like I see something even remotely sharp and its all I can think about.

I've quit for about 4 or five months now.

Is it worth it? Is it really worth it for me to be in such pain? WHy is it so fucking wrong to cut?

The other day I got so anxious I scratched skin off.

I hate this.
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[25 Nov 2005|09:27pm]

btw i just cut about 14 times = (


16 times
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[25 Nov 2005|09:23pm]

My name is Regina i am the founder of this community

However i cannot read it alot because i am very busy but if u want/need to talk to me my contact information is in my info page

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[14 Aug 2005|09:38pm]

Hi, My name is Kristen and I'm obviously new here. Um...
I just need a place to vent... I don't feel like filtering everyone out of my friends groups who I know in real life so I can post...
My dad and I just got into one of the biggest fights we've had in years and he actually threatened to send me to live with my mom.
But see... I get suicidally depressed when I'm up there... It's because of the way I'm treated.
Last time I was up there I stole a box cutter just so I could cut and have a release instead of probably hurting myself worse in the long run. Does that sound insanely bad?
Thats just how it is... It's horrible... I doubt anyone will read it but I've already got one of my trips up there (To visit my mom because legally I have to) typed up because I posted it on my LJ. This is my most recent trip... The worst one that I can remember since the time he tried to choke my mom.
Trip.Collapse )
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shitty ting [15 Jul 2005|04:20am]

[ mood | weeeplestert ]

i feel the lonely that swarms around me, i feel my breath grow short, i feel your presence that still lingers from the earlier hours when we embraced.

what i wouldnt give to have you back here with me.to hold you and embrace you for everyone to see.

to see our love, so pure and true. to show that i am only with you. hand in hand we walk together. hand in hand we are criticized together. hand in hand we are hated together.

In the end, hand in hand WE die TOGETHER. we die of love,we die of hate,we die because that was our fate.I love you for now and forever more.

As long as you hold me and dont leave me alone,

on the floor.

i cried and i cried,but you never came.i screamed and i kicked but you were never phased. i scream for help and all you did was decline. Now i bid you farewell as i stand on the line. my body is limp,i have run cold.

You've had lots of time, but its only at this moment that you want to hold.

You try to bring me back, but this time i decline. you shoved and refused to love me, so this is my suicide.

1 comment|post comment

[17 Jun 2005|11:00am]

[ mood | BLEH ]


Those eyes that see into me,
Burn in my mind.
Those fingertips that touched me,
embedded in my skin.
The memories we share,
forever will be a sin.
The moment i awake,
a vision of you in my chead.
I count the moments,the hours,the minutes, even the seconds
until i see your face.
For when i see is when i smile most.
Your soft lips upon my skin makes me tingle,
your hand upon my cheek makes me feel weak.
Your voice runs in my head like a broken record.
But when i finally see your face, i faint.
Everything goes black, and I am gone.
With memories in mind, love in the heart, and happiness to feel,
its at that moment that i wish i was not dead.

1 comment|post comment

[17 Jun 2005|10:56am]

[ mood | tee hee ]


I cry my tears of black ,

as my heart begins to crack,

it falls apart and there i lay,


make me alive.

1 comment|post comment

[27 May 2005|05:14pm]

[ mood | depressed ]


i know this community isn't very active but lets make it active by passing the word on about it

well as for my life-

it sucks

the end


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Some Poems (not by me) [24 May 2005|10:59am]

[ mood | hungry ]


No one hears me.
No one sees me.
its like i'm not even there.
Why cant somebody listen to what I have to say?
And you wonder why I hate you.
You wonder why I dont talk to you.
You never fucking listen.
What makes now different?
How do I make you go away?
Do I need to kill myself?
I think so.
Thanks for making my life hell.
Now i must say my final farewell.

Razor Kisses

Razor kisses all around
Dripping down onto the ground
Forming into a puddle of blood
Reminding me of what I've done
Mixing in with all my tears
Turning into my worse fears
Soon I might just slit my wrist
Ending my pain with a simple kiss
All I need is a simple knife
And a bloody kiss to end my life...


Red tears fall down.
Forever they stay.
Bloodstained and permanent.
With no one to wipe them away.
Someone dry the tears from my eyes.
Save me from my painful cries.
They come when I sleep.
Endlessly they creep.
Listen to my song.
I've yearned for too long.
To be saved.
To be free.
Together we flee.
Away from the tears.
Too long they've haunted me.
So many years.
All I know is hate.
I now know my fate.
I've gone too far.
I lost my guiding star.
Your no longer here.
Alone I must face my fear.
The Tears.

A rapists empty face

The girl shouted stop with a crying voice
The man told her that she only had one choice
Scream and youll die,
to run you dont even have to try.
The girl couldnt move,
not even hear her own breath
And she knew that if shed struggle
That would be her death.
So she didnt try to escape
And she never cried
She just laid on the ground
Wile he took away her pride
She didnt run and she didnt scream
She just faded away like in a very bad dream
When he was done with the girl
And she was trying to shout
He killed her of anger
Just to shut her mouth
A dark alley was her very last place
And the last thing she saw
Was a rapists empty face
Thank You For Listening
18 comments|post comment

[10 Apr 2005|09:03pm]

__progress_pics join this community
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[01 Apr 2005|11:06pm]

[ mood | sad ]

Hello everyone well Tuesday night i cut 9 times and thursday night my mom told me she new and she does she hasn't done anything yet yet being the key word well bye love ya

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[05 Mar 2005|10:14pm]

[ mood | bouncy ]

Hello Everyone this is my new community i hope you all enjoy it.
Love ya,

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